By Pastor Adam Sinnett

From Sept 21st thru Nov 30th, 2008 Mars Hill Church studied the Song of Songs (aka Song of Solomon). The series, called The Peasant Princess, addressed important, albeit controversial, issues pertaining to gender, marriage, relationships, dating and sex. You can listen and watch previous sermons in this series, among many others, at westseattle.marshillchurch.org under “Media”. You can also follow this link to read questions and answers on Christian Sex (mature content warning) that Pastor Mark addressed on the Mars Hill Church blog.

The purpose of this series of posts was to answer questions posed by those attending West Seattle that Pastor Mark was unable to get to. These are some remaining questions that were asked.

Q: “The trend for marriages these days is for it to happen later in life, that with more social acceptance of sexuality, what is a young Christian man to do?”

A: First, you have to realize that you are not a victim, which your question seems to imply. The world and its desires (lust of the eyes, lust of the flesh and boastful pride of life; 1 John 2:15-17) have always been the seedbed of sin (Gen 3:6) and we are all fully responsible for our own actions (James 1:14-15). Second, remember, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” (1 Cor 10:13) This means that we are not left on our own, but that God is faithful and ever-present amidst temptation always providing a way out. During the series Religion Saves: And Nine Other Misconceptions, Pastor Mark preached a sermon on sexual sin that you might find helpful. Third, rather than allowing your understanding of marriage and sexuality to be determined by the culture, allow it to be shaped by scripture (Rom 12:1-2; 2 Cor 10:5) and the reading of other good books. Fourth, pray for your future wife and in the meantime prepare to be a husband by leaving your parents home, getting a job, paying down debt, getting rid of sin and growing in your relationship with Jesus. Fifth, get involved in community (particularly with good brothers), begin serving and stay busy (Eph 4:28).

Q: “I know a seminary student who has been cheating on his wife. She keeps confronting him, but he apologizes and continues sinning. What should she do now?”

A: She should continue to prayerfully pursue him, asking loving questions, and with him attempt to seek help. The cheating should not be brushed under the rug of an empty apology, but dealt with. She should lovingly point out that Jesus is not merely looking for an apology but repentance that results in an actual change of behavior. If he is caught up in an addiction or adulterous relationship they can begin the process of getting help by emailing care@marshillchurch.org. If he does not respond, she should get others involved (Matthew 18:15-20) such as close friends, community group and/or a pastor and ensure she is in a place of safety (which should include an STD check if adultery is occurring), all the while praying that her husband’s heart would be brought to change.

Q: “Do I have to be married to be happy?”

A: No, you can be completely unhappy and married as well. The issue isn’t one of happiness, but of what your happiness is built upon. Building your quality of life on relationships with others that you either have or don’t have will inevitably lead to frustration and disappointment, not to mention tremendous pressure on those you enter into relationship with. Jesus said, “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (Jn 10:10) This does not mean that if we believe in Jesus we will always be happy, but it does mean that when we’re in relationship with Jesus we’re living life as we were intended to live, which will inevitably result in greater joy. Living life in any other way, Jesus tells us, is like “a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against the house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.” (Mt 7:26-27) This would include building your life on the idea that you have to be married to be happy or you have to be single to be happy. The premise is false. Building your life on Jesus is like “a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.” (Mt 7:24-25) Build your life on Jesus and allow that to set the terms of your relationships.

Q: “It says in SOS ‘do not arouse or awaken love until it desires.’ With that in mind, how would you advise singles with more active imaginations?”

A: Our imaginations are much like our stomachs. They respond differently to different foods. If you eat ½ dozen Krispy Kreme original donuts hot off the rack your taste buds will thank you but your stomach will hate you. On the other hand, if you eat healthy you’ll feel better, have more energy and, in time, actually begin to prefer to eat healthy foods. The principle is true of our ways of thinking, including our imaginations. If we feed our mind with good things we will, think good things. This is why Paul tells us to think about “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable…and the God of peace will be with you.” (Php 4:8-9) This is why Paul tells the Colossians to “Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” (Col 3:2) We are responsible for what we think about, dwell on, and allow to linger in our imaginations. This is why Paul also says, “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ…” (2 Cor 10:5) All of this is part of what it means to “be transformed by the renewal of your mind” (Rom 12:2) and loving God with all your mind (Mt 22:37). In other words, offensively, we think bible-saturated, Jesus-centered thoughts. Defensively, we take every thought captive that does not do so and give it to Jesus.

Q: “But what is the woman’s financial responsibility?”

A: Both men and women are created in the image of God, equal in dignity, value and worth. (Gen 1:27) While equal they differ in form and function. This means that within marriage the husband and wife form a team on which each person plays a specific God created role, which they carry out for the good of the team as a whole. It is the role of the man to protect, care for, provide for and lead his family. It is the role of the woman to be homeward oriented, managing the home and pouring into the children. (Titus 2:3-4; Pr 31:10-31) This isn’t popular in our culture because our culture doesn’t value being a mother and having children and unfortunately many, including many Christians, have bought into the lie. This can and will look different in different families in different seasons, but the underlying principle is that the man is ultimately responsible for the health and well being of the family – a primary part of which is providing financially. He is not to be cruel, absent or ambivalent but is to love and serve his family as Christ loved and ultimately died for the church. (Eph 5:25) That said, ‘What is the woman’s financial responsibility?” Regarding putting food on the table, she shouldn’t have that financial responsibility. Could there be seasons when this may be the case? Yes, such as if the husband is injured or finishing up school. But, it should be a season, not the norm. The man is called to provide and if he doesn’t do so he has denied the faith (1 Tim 5:8).

Q: “If two Christians have been physically intimate before marriage to one another, will God still bless them in or with marriage?”

A: I suppose the answer to this will depend upon how you are defining “blessing.” Will he forgive you? Yes, if you repent by acknowledging your sin and setting on a course of pursuing holiness and obedience to Jesus, albeit imperfectly. Can he redeem you? Yes. Can he make straight what you’ve made crooked? Yes. Can you lose your salvation? Not if you’re really a Christian. Will he remove all the ramifications of your sin? Not necessarily. The primary blessing of the gospel is not that we get things from God (though we do, such as the breath in our lungs) but that, through faith in Jesus, we enter into relationship with the one and only eternal God. That is the blessing of the gospel. God is the gospel. Sin is about far more than merely missing out on earthly blessings, but rather about breaking relationship with God. The wonder of the gospel is that when we trust in Jesus for the forgiveness of sin (Isa 53:6; Ps 103:11-12) we are, by grace, no longer under condemnation (Rom 8:1) but accepted as sons and daughters of God. So when difficulty and hardship do come we know it is not punishment but part of God’s discipline and loving instruction (Heb 12:7) in making us more like him and dependent on him for his glory and our good. (2 Cor 1:9) Seek Jesus with your potential spouse and as you grow closer to him you will inevitably grow closer to one another.

For more questions and answers from the Song of Songs series, check out:

Pastor Adam’s Full Follow Up Q&A List

Sermon and Q&A Session Audio/Video

Pastor Mark’s Q&A on MHC Blog