By Pastor Adam Sinnett

From Sept 21st thru Nov 30th, 2008 Mars Hill Church studied the Song of Songs (aka Song of Solomon). The series, called The Peasant Princess, addressed important, albeit controversial, issues pertaining to gender, marriage, relationships, dating and sex. You can listen and watch previous sermons in this series, among many others, at westseattle.marshillchurch.org under “Media”. You can also follow this link to read questions and answers on Christian Sex (mature content warning) that Pastor Mark addressed on the Mars Hill Church blog.

The purpose of this series of posts was to answer questions posed by those attending West Seattle that Pastor Mark was unable to get to. These are some remaining questions that were asked.

Q: “Sometimes when my wife is out of town I get lonely so I masturbate to thoughts of her. Am I sinning?”

A: Yes. The goal within marriage is ‘oneness’ per Gen 1:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” If your wife is not in the room or on the phone then oneness isn’t being cultivated in your marriage. “Phone sex” with your wife could be an option used with caution, but it should be the exception and not the norm as long as both you and your wife are onboard. You may also find questions #15 and #16 answered by Pastor Mark, found here, helpful.

Q: “Would you agree that rejection, in addition to saying “no” to sex, can also show appear in different forms, such as a lack of respect, attention to love language, etc?”

A: Yes. Rejection is often birthed out of deeper relational issues and reveals itself in various ways. (Mk 7:21-23) Frequent “no’s” to marital intimacy, regular lack of respect and/or inattention to the specific love language of your spouse are all signs of deeper heart issues that need to be worked through together. The key is communication. Consider seeking counsel, support and prayer within your community group or email care@marshillchurch.org to schedule a time with a biblical counselor.

Q: “How can newlyweds who have stayed pure till marriage foster intimacy & safeguard against selfishness?”

A: Maintain open lines of communication and agreed upon expectations. One suggestion is to work through a book together on marital intimacy, such as Celebration of Sex by Douglas Rosenau. Doing so will help foster conversation, promote questions, reveal insecurities and establish a common foundation that you build together. Other books that have been recommended throughout this series include: Intimacy Ignited, Intimate Issues, and Gift Wrapped by God. These are all available for purchase in the West Seattle Resource Center.

Q: “My husband is wonderful but I feel like we don’t read the bible or pray together enough. We have a baby and we don’t get enough time to focus on us.”

A: My first question is, “Have you talked with him about it?” My second question is, “Do you and your husband get a regular date night?” It will be helpful for you and your husband to define what “enough” looks like and then reconfigure your schedule accordingly. Having children definitely makes things more complicated, requiring greater creativity and flexibility, but not impossible. When planning, you’re not looking for the ironclad plan that will work indefinitely but for what will work in your current season of life. The plan will continually adjust as more kids arrive and seasons of life change.

Practically what this currently looks like, for Jen and I, is that we have a brief devotion time as a family in the AM (couple Bible stories, song and prayer). At some point in the day, definitely on our weekly date nights, we discuss what we’re each learning and being challenged by in our Bible reading. After Carter goes to bed we typically grab some time to pray together. This is what currently works for us but we know it will change over time.

If you’re not in a community group, I recommend getting plugged-in so that you can be in community with other young couples who are experiencing the same challenges and older couples who may have some wisdom to share.

Q: “My wife says that oral sex makes her feel like a prostitute. What are some ways I can serve her and help her gain a redeemed view of this?”

A: First, Pastor Mark addressed something similar to this during the first week of the series in “Let Him Kiss Me” in which he described how our attitudes towards sex typically fit into one of three categories: “Gross”, “God” or “Gift. If you and your wife haven’t heard it, I recommend it. Use the sermon as a springboard into discussing “why” your wife feels as she does. Second, I recommend reading Celebration of Sex, by Douglas Roseau, so that you can work through these issues together and establish a common foundation. Third, love her by touching her mind before her body so that she knows without a doubt that you are not using her but loving her. C.J. Mahaney wrote a helpful little book full of practical tips on how to do this entitled Sex, Romance and the Glory of God.

For more questions and answers from the Song of Songs series, check out:

Pastor Adam’s Full Follow Up Q&A List

Sermon and Q&A Session Audio/Video

Pastor Mark’s Q&A on MHC Blog