By Pastor Adam Sinnett

From Sept 21st thru Nov 30th, 2008 Mars Hill Church studied the Song of Songs (aka Song of Solomon). The series, called The Peasant Princess, addressed important, albeit controversial, issues pertaining to gender, marriage, relationships, dating and sex. You can listen and watch previous sermons in this series, among many others, at westseattle.marshillchurch.org under “Media”. You can also follow this link to read questions and answers on Christian Sex (mature content warning) that Pastor Mark addressed on the Mars Hill Church blog.

The purpose of this series of posts was to answer questions posed by those attending West Seattle that Pastor Mark was unable to get to. These are some remaining questions that were asked.

Q: “How do you handle the sexual side of a marriage when the husband is angry, harsh and emotionally unpredictable?”

A: There are too many variables to provide an adequate answer here, but I’ll outline some parameters. First, if you’re in a physically abusive relationship then you need to let someone know and remove yourself from that environment. Second, it sounds as though your husband has an anger problem and should likely seek help. Third, do what you can to clearly communicate how his anger affects the marriage and, specifically, marital intimacy. Fourth, it sounds like it could be helpful to see a biblical counselor together, email care@marshillchurch.org.

Q: “My husband and I are members and we are healing from an affair my husband had. How can we work on healing our sexual relationship after that pain?”

A: A similar question was asked and answered here under “I am newly married and recently found out my husband had an emotional affair. We are seeking counseling, but how can I find the security needed to trust him going forward?”

Q: “The passion in my marriage is gone. What can I do as a husband to become more passionate for my wife?”

A: Emotions tend to rise and fall, come and go, so it is crucial that we do not base our relationships on them but on the truth of the Bible. Is there sin present? How often do you take time to connect? Are you working too much? Are you intentionally pursuing her? When is the last time you bought her flowers? Took her on weekend getaway? Wrote her a note? Surprised her with anything?

There are times when we feel like acting a certain way and other times when we need to act until we feel as we ought. In other words, sometimes we feel our way into acting but often we need to act our way into feeling because our emotions are unpredictable and not the best measure of reality.

Eph 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” which means that husbands are called to do anything up to and including dying for their wife. That includes passionately perusing your wife even if you’re not passionate at the time. Verses 28-19 go on to say, “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.” Do you view, protect, and care for your wife as though she were your own body?

Here are several ideas to stoke the embers of passion in your marriage.
• Ask the Holy Spirit to convict you of any sin that may be causing the lack of passion. If convicted, confess it to your wife and repent.
• Practice loving your wife as your own body, per Eph 5:28-29. Every time you get hungry, bathe, clean, workout, eat, drink, get dressed, take vitamins, floss, relax or do anything for the benefit of your body say or do something for your wife to express your love and care for her.
• Plan to surprise her with something once per week. It doesn’t have to be big. If you don’t have a weekly date night established begin this week.
• Read Sex, Romance and the Glory of God by C.J. Mahaney for more on this topic.

Q: “For singles who’ve awakened desire, thru past relationships or marriage, how do you put it back to sleep?”

A: A similar question was asked and answered here under “It says in SOS ‘do not arouse or awaken love until it desires’ with that in mind, how would you advise singles with more active imaginations?” The principle is the same.

Q: “I’m in an abusive relationship with a Christian man. What should I do?”

A: You need to let someone know and remove yourself from that relationship immediately. It doesn’t matter whether he claims to be a Christian or not. Your safety is of preeminent importance. Talk to your community group or email westseattle@marshillchurch.org.

For more questions and answers from the Song of Songs series, check out:

Pastor Adam’s Full Follow Up Q&A List

Sermon and Q&A Session Audio/Video

Pastor Mark’s Q&A on MHC Blog (MATURE CONTENT)