By Pastor Adam Sinnett

From Sept 21st thru Nov 30th, 2008 Mars Hill Church studied the Song of Songs (aka Song of Solomon). The series, called The Peasant Princess, addressed important, albeit controversial, issues pertaining to gender, marriage, relationships, dating and sex. You can listen and watch previous sermons in this series, among many others, at westseattle.marshillchurch.org under “Media”. You can also follow this link to read questions and answers on Christian Sex (mature content warning) that Pastor Mark addressed on the Mars Hill Church blog.

The purpose of this series of posts was to answer questions posed by those attending West Seattle that Pastor Mark was unable to get to. These are some remaining questions that were asked.

Q: “I’ve gone thru the steps of Mt 18:15 with a church member who sinned against me. However, that person refuses to repent and is now a church leader. What is the next step?”

A: If you’ve begun the process provided by Jesus in Mt 18:15-20, there are no signs of repentance and he or she is a church leader you should contact one of the MHC WS pastors to address the issue in full. Email westseattle@marshillchurch.org.

Q: “I have confessed my past sins to my wife before we married. If I remember a sin from the past since being married do I confess? How specific do we get?”

A: Ultimately it depends on the nature of the sin that you recently “remembered”. The principle to follow is to “live in the light” (1 John 1:5-10) by keeping short accounts of sin and maintaining a relationship of openness, honesty, and sincerity with everything on the table. How specific you get is something that you and your wife should talk about and agree upon. Too much detail can cause undue harm and misunderstanding while too little detail can raise suspicions and unnecessary fears. Talk to your wife and work this out together while keeping the goal of oneness in mind. (Gen 2:24)

Q: “How do we handle bitterness toward God over things we don’t and can’t understand?”

A: Repent and let go of your bitterness by trusting in the sovereignty (control of all things) and goodness of God. 1 Corinthians 1:25 says, “For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.” In other words, God’s foolishness is still wiser than the greatest of human wisdom. He is architecting a masterful plan that we do not yet grasp. (1 Cor 13:12) There are many things in life that we will not understand fully (Dt 29:29) but we can trust that he is working all things out for good of those who love him (Rom 8:28; Jer 29:11) – even in the darkest and most difficult of times. (2 Cor 1:9) In the cross of Christ we see most fully that God is for us. The Apostle Paul says it this way, “If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” (Rom 8:31-32) Allow difficulties, hardships, letdowns, pain and disappointments drive you to Jesus not away from him. He is sufficient. (2 Cor 12:9-10)

Q: “What do you do if the person never changes their actions…how long do you keep the relationship?”

A: It depends what the actions are and what the relationship is. Forgiveness can be given but trust may take time to be rebuilt. Communicate clearly, pray for discernment and seek wisdom in community.

Q: “Is it ever ok for a married man to take his wedding ring off?”

A: In general a man should wear his wedding ring, as an outward symbol of his covenantal marriage relationship with his wife (Gen 2:24), at all times. There are exceptions, of course. There could be circumstances he removes it for a certain period of time in order to prevent it from being damaged (e.g. changing oil, operating machinery, undergoing surgery, etc). Additionally, over the course of life, weight gain, arthritis, or injury may occur that prevent the ring from fitting rightly on the finger so the ring should be re-fit or placed on a different finger. On the other hand, removing it to go out clubbing or give the impression to others that he is single (which is what it does when a ring is not worn) is clearly sinful. Ultimately the question is one of the heart. Personally, I haven’t removed my wedding ring since our wedding day over seven years ago.

Q: “How do you forgive yourself of your own past sin after true repentance to God?”

A: We don’t need to forgive ourselves because we don’t sin against ourselves*, as though we have a “sinful side” that sins against our “non-sinful side” and the “non-sinful side” needs to forgive the “sinful side”. We sin as a whole person (Rom 3:10-18; Eph 2:1; Col 2:13) and need forgiveness from God as a whole person. God is always the most highly offended party when we sin (Ps 51:4). Therefore, the primary and most important forgiveness that we need is from God. If after repenting of your sin you still experience guilt and shame for months on end it is likely because your real god (i.e. performance, a person, control, comfort, etc) hasn’t forgiven you. False gods (or idols) promise happiness, control, pleasure, joy outside of relationship with Jesus Christ but they never deliver and they are completely unforgiving. Repent of trying to forgive yourself and run, trust, depend, and hope in Jesus for true and complete forgiveness.

*In 1 Cor 6:18 Paul does say that a “sexually immoral person sins against his own body” but he is referring to the body (or flesh) as an inanimate object, even more as the “temple of the Holy Spirit”. Paul would not say that the “body” should forgive the self for being sinned against. Even here, ultimately it is God that is being sinned against as the body is his temple.

Q: “Can you be bitter against yourself and if so how do you reconcile?”

A: Same as above.

Q: “If a husband wants a wife to look a way that makes the wife feel horrible, what’s a wife to do?”

A: The goal within marriage is oneness (Gen 2:24). Neither spouse should be put into a situation where his or her conscience is being violated as that would not promote oneness. Ultimately, it is the responsibility of the husband to love, protect, and shepherd his wife (Eph 5:25-33) through circumstances such as this. Be sure to maintain open, honest, loving, regular communication as you work through these issues together revealing your insecurities, pains, and fears to one another. If it doesn’t seem like you’re getting anywhere it could be helpful to seek out counsel from an older Christian couple in your community group. If you don’t know anyone email westseattle@marshillchurch.org and we’ll help you out.

Q: “How can a wife successfully balance being visually generous and still dress modestly, as when the couple goes out on a date?”

A: The modest dress occurs in public and the visually generous dress occurs at home.

Q: “A friend of mine constantly sends her boyfriend nude photo texts ‘to be sure he’s thinking about only her.’ Is this at all acceptable?”

A: No. (Eph 5:3)

Q: “Are there any plans for Pastor Mark to rotate his presence at all MHC locations?”

A: Not currently.

For more questions and answers from the Song of Songs series, check out:

Pastor Adam’s Full Follow Up Q&A List

Sermon and Q&A Session Audio/Video

Pastor Mark’s Q&A on MHC Blog