Prior to his year of traveling when he worked here in town, I HATED making his lunch. It wasn’t so much the task I hated as much as the nuisance I found it to be that I felt obligated to do it. I had a bad attitude, and often forgot or complained or mumbled under my breath as I threw things together.

Bryan is no longer traveling, and now takes the bus into downtown Seattle every morning. It occurred to me the other day as I zipped up his lunch bag and stuck it in the fridge that I’ve actually found joy in sending Bryan off to work with a good lunch. Sure, sometimes I’m tired, or I’m sick of being in the kitchen, or it totally slips my mind – but my attitude is different about it now.

I love taking care of Bryan in this way.

Some of you are probably like, I don’t get it. Why can’t he make his own lunch?! Why is this such a big deal? But for me? And for him? And the needs and issues and insecurities we both have? And the road blocks we’ve faced in the past? Trust me that this is a huge heart change for me, and a huge blessing to Bryan that goes way beyond matching plastic containers filled with last night’s leftovers.

Two years ago Bryan and I were stuck in a very tight spot, and at the time I would have never imagined we would have the relationship we do now. It’s not perfect, and we still hit our road blocks, but we are no longer contending against one another. In tough situations we are listening to each other more, and working together toward the same end goal: reconciliation.

I was an angry person with a hard heart toward others, particularly toward my husband and children. Anger mastered me, and the selfishness that fueled it only seemed to grow. I did not serve my family out of love, but obligation.

Then Jesus took my heart and changed it, just as the Lord says in Ezekiel 36:26, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”

Even though some days it seems I need to lay my anger at the feet of Jesus at least a thousand times, I trust him that my heart is changed, and that I am no longer mastered by my anger. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” I’ve experienced the kindness of Jesus through his grace. He softened my heart toward Bryan, and led us into reconciliation.

My mom was getting her hair done at the time, which is so mom. When she’s old and not so independent, I’ll be taking her to the beauty shop every week to get her hair done. In heaven her hair will be thick and full of body – no beauty shops necessary there.

Gordy adored my Grandma, and she adored him in her reserved, German kind of way. When my Grandpa died, her husband of more than 50 years, my Grandma collapsed from the exhaustion of caring for him, her body somehow understanding she was no longer on duty. She was in the hospital during his funeral, but Gordy sat with her, quietly holding her hand.

Then years later as she passed away, he was holding her hand again.

I didn’t consider at the time how prophetic this was, Gordy holding the hand of a dying woman, watching her take her last breath. It would be years later that he lay in a hospice bed in his own living room, in and out of awareness, his body giving way to cancer.

I wonder if he remembered that moment, the moment he was holding the hand of a woman when the life went out of her. I wonder if he remembered her last breath, the peaceful silence, the whisper of a soul floating away. I wonder if this memory brought him comfort. I wonder if this prepared him for his own passing.

Jesus graciously called my Grandma home just then, as Gordy held her hand.

When life feels out of control I try to remember that Jesus sees the bigger picture. He doesn’t just see the moment, but he sees the moment in connection with an infinity of moments. In my panic I often run into the street, naked and screaming maniacally about the end of the world as we know it (or as I want it to be), when all I really need to do is sit and quietly allow the Holy Spirit to connect the dots from one moment to the next.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD… (Jeremiah 29:11).

When life feels out of control I need to ask myself, Do I trust him to carry me from moment to moment, even into infinite?

—

Photo by Horizontal Integration.

We had a good laugh about it, mostly because in the humor of the moment I decided to finally admit to myself that I am a Clutter Bug. I don’t pick up after myself, I don’t finish what I start, and I hate maintaining.

So after she left I put the kids down for a nap and decluttered my piano – a small beginning to the very large project of overhauling my home and my life. As I examined each item before rendering a decision on its fate, it became crystal clear how ridiculous I am. JUST THROW IT AWAY, ALREADY!!! The things I held on to – whether by laziness of not making it to the trash can, or by my desire to cling to earthly possessions – is embarrassing, to say the least.

I know the list is tedious, but it is also ridiculously funny. Plus, I’ve rewarded you at the end with a picture of what it looks like now.

Here is everything I removed from the piano:

• One Costco coupon book, expiration date: October 28, 2007.
• One half made crown Ruthie started in Sunday school class.
• Two unmailed thank you notes from my birthday in September 2007.
• One construction paper turkey headband Ruthie made at preschool.
• One glasses case.
• One unmailed thank you note from Ruthie’s birthday in March 2007.
• One borrowed night gown waiting to return home.
• Three drink coasters (the fourth was cut to pieces by our resident slasher)
• One blank birthday card waiting for a birthday.
• Various thank you notes and birthday cards received that until now I haven’t been able to throw away (buh-bye).
• One invitation to a party in April 2007.
• Two sets of iPod earbuds.
• One small wedding photo album.
• One unfinished felt project from a camping trip three years ago.
• One deck of playing cards.
• One broken, homemade mosaic’d picture frame (buh-bye).
• Two framed pictures waiting to be hung.
• Four hilarious and off-color Christmas card samples from comfort-guide.com.
• One user’s guide for a bluetooth hands free speaker.
• One tube of chapstick, cap missing.
• One pen cap, red.
• One 1/2 T measuring spoon.
• One small flashlight.
• One box of inhalation medication from November 2007.
• One huge box of wipes, owner unknown.
• One purse waiting to be returned to a friend.
• One bunch of Sedum Autumn Joy flowers I thought would dry well, but really just left a mess of dried flower pieces.
• Pictures given to me by a friend… two summers ago.
• One wrapper to a spool of yarn I want to track down online.
• One “control-a-man” remote I received for my birthday.
• A wedding program from October 2007.
• One scrap notebook the kids write in.
• One book I’m waiting to review on my blog.
• One 8.5 x 11 piece of paper with one tiny phone number written on it.
• One rag that needs to be put in a box in the basement.
• One book that needs to be put away on the basement shelves.
• Scholastic book order forms from Ruthie’s preschool.
• Class pictures from Ruthie’s preschool.
• One pound puppy named Banjo.

Ha! That’s so embarrassing, but there you go. My book of secrets, opened. And as promised, here is what my lovely piano looked like when I was finished.

I saw a commercial for Oprah the other day about the connection between the clutter in your home and the clutter on your…backside. Her guest was an author named Peter Walsh, and his book is titled, Does This Clutter Make My Butt Look Fat?

I didn’t watch the show, but the idea makes sense in a way I had never thought of before – not as an IF/THEN causal statement, as in IF you have clutter THEN you will get fat, but more as a clutter mindset of laziness, taking shortcuts, and not following through. Here is a quote from the show’s article on Oprah’s website:

“Your head, your heart, your hips and your house are all interconnected, and I really believe that,” he says.

I thought it was interesting that he made the connection between the heart and and the outward life, because Jesus says in Luke 12:34 that our greatest desire is where our heart will be committed. Yes, our head, heart, and hips are all interconnected, but the issue lies in the desires of our heart.

As you can see by the wreath in the picture above, the piano decluttering happened in December. Early December, to be exact. In the year leading up to that event I had been struggling with the clutter in my home, but it seemed any action I took folded in on itself again. I’d clear off a table, only to have it filled again. I’d pick up the living room, only to have it upturned again. I just couldn’t maintain, much less get ahead of myself.

When I began to look at my schedule, at my routine, and at the way I spent my time it slowly occurred to me there was a lot of room in my day for me and the things I enjoy. My heart desired recreational reading, the development of a possible writing career, and other creative endeavors – all, as it turned out, at the detriment of my family and household.

The final conviction came when Jesus reminded me of James 3:16 – “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice” (emphasis added). I confessed my sin of selfishness to Jesus and to my husband, and I began making changes to my daily routine. I still have room for the things I enjoy, the things that re-create me, but the desire of my heart has changed.

Nearly three months later, this is how my house looks most nights as I head off to bed. Isn’t it refreshingly clean?! Compared to the 101 things I de-cluttered from my piano, I’d say this is a big improvement. I work harder now, and I’m moving toward working smarter.

But even more importantly, my heart desires to worship Jesus through serving my family and stewarding the resources he has given us. I used to believe I would be resentful if I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do. What I’ve learned instead, is the more Jesus penetrates my heart, the greater my desire is for glorifying him in everything I do.

I’m asking you, dear Readers, because you need people. You need call-you-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night friends. You need drop-your-kids-off-at-the-last-minute friends. You need here’s-dinner-and-a-few-bags-of-groceries friends. You need friends with perspective. You need friends who speak the hard-to-hear truth. You need friends who still adore you even when you’re unlovely.

When someone in my community of friends puts out the Bat Signal, more than enough help comes. I have sent out my share of Bat Signals, and I have answered the call of it, as well. Truth be told, I can’t imagine my life without these faithful around me, who believe in the need to help each other.

I’m halfway through the book, The Wonder of Girls, by Michael Gurian. In it Gurian talks about the need for our children to be raised by three families: the nuclear family, the extended family, and meaningful institutions. The extended family includes mentors, counselors, and family friends “who become like grandma or grandpa or aunt or uncle” (page 94). He also includes church communities within the “institution” family, on the condition that our children are bonding with people and elements of church, rather than just attending.

Often, even within the church, we come and we go, and we do it alone. We live far from our extended families and we keep others at arm’s length. We come to church, we sit, and we leave, untouched by potential second and third family members around us.

Mark 2:3-5 says, Some men came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”

I think about this man often. Unable to help himself, his friends take over with their superhero strength and faith. They don’t just offer him a ride to the local faith rally and drop him off at the front door – they dig through the roof of a house to get this man to Jesus.

Maybe this man asked for help, and maybe he didn’t. Maybe he was faithful, too, or maybe he was a whiner. The story doesn’t really say, because Jesus saw their faith – the faith of his friends – and his sins were forgiven. Ultimately, in verse 11, he is healed.

I don’t always know how I need help, either, but I have friends who sometimes take over, and I am grateful for them.

So I ask you: Are there people who will answer your Bat Signal? Do you trust in your community enough to put out your own Bat Signal? Are you paying attention to the Bat Signals calling for your help?

Because life is too hard to live alone.

—

For information on community groups at Mars Hill, click here.

Photo by zombie.

As I read, I suddenly felt exhausted and ready to crawl into bed for the next seventeen years. How could my struggle today still feel as overwhelming as it obviously was so long ago? Had I squandered my grace all these years? Is it even possible for me to change? In that moment I felt like I was a slave to my sin – like I would never be free.

Bryan’s nickname for me is Eeyore, because woe to me for all the ways creation conspires against me! I mope, and I drag, and I mumble. But no matter how hard I try to keep it attached, my tail just keeps falling off.

I forget the grape must be crushed to make the wine. I forget the husk must be stripped for the wheat berry to be exposed. I forget the limp he walked away with after wrestling with God.

Sanctification is not a passive affair.

I just watched the rerun of Sex and the City where Miranda gets refractive surgery, and the doctor tells her to take two sleeping pills, stay in bed for twelve hours, and when she wakes up she’ll be able to see clearly.

Ha! I wish.

But contrary to the pessimistic outlook on my inner struggles, there is hope for me in the midst of my frustration. Romans 6:17 says, Thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.

By the grace of Jesus, his Word always brings Truth to crush my inner Eeyore.

By the middle of last week I decided it wasn’t worth the energy to pull out my boxes of Christmas decorations, since we are leaving town soon for the rest of the year. I know the true meaning of Christmas does not lie in a pine tree or colored lights, but it’s hard to get into good cheer when things around me don’t look festive, and we aren’t spending time together as a family shopping or baking or otherwise collaborating on the season.

It’s been the sort of week where I can’t even go downstairs to switch the laundry over without someone destroying something or starting a fight. I lost a contact lens, and my glasses have an old prescription, which makes everything look blurry. All the squinting makes my neck and shoulders tight, and I can’t read any street signs when I’m driving. I feel like staying in bed with the covers over my head, but I can’t do that for long before someone asks me for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I’m feeling depressed, but not the kind of depressed that medication can make better. I think I’m the kind of depressed that gets better when things go my way. I’d like to think that if my circumstances changed I would be able to get out of this slump, but in reality, I know blaming my less than stellar circumstances is not always something I can get away with.

I feel a lot like Alexander and his terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, and sometimes I’d like to move to Australia.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:4-7).

In the past this passage has always irritated me – it seemed trite and flippant, as if the author, Paul, has no idea what it’s like to be me. But Pastor Mark made a very compelling argument to the contrary: Paul, the man who was shipwrecked, beaten, and imprisoned, and was actually writing these words from prison, might have some credibility when writing about anxiousness. He was not in a position to be simple nor flippant.

Bryan’s birthday was on Monday, and he got a pink, plastic, Magic Eight Ball style Jesus as a gift. You’re supposed to ask a question, shake the Jesus, then check the triangle on his feet for your answer. Our pink Jesus has answers like, “resist the devil,” “believe,” “pray harder,” and “no chance in hell.”

I think I’ve treated prayer like my Magic Eight Ball Jesus – asking God if he will change my circumstances, then shaking him for the answer. What I realized on Sunday after hearing Pastor Mark’s sermon on Joy in Anxiety, is I lack faith that God will take care of me. I want my kids to get along, I want my husband to be on call, and I want to get a full night’s sleep.

I want my life to be easy.

But Paul says we should rejoice in the Lord always, regardless of whether I am up all night with a puking child. I don’t like this. In fact I hate it. I would much rather Jesus change my circumstances than somehow equip me to deal with them. But the fact of the matter is, Jesus promises a peace I will never understand, in the midst of a circumstance that I cannot change.

This is incomprehensible to me, which I suppose is the point.

So I plow forward into this Christmas season, more focused on the Jesus it represents than the good cheer I think it is supposed to provide. Cookies or no cookies, tree or no tree, it is Jesus who will bring me peace this season.

This challenge came during a year when Jesus began unpacking layers of my inner demons and dysfunctions, and through that process I discovered I was a lazy and apathetic person in general, not just politically. I made decisions based on my comfort, on convenience, on what I was feeling at the moment. I was a lazy thinker, coasting on the beliefs of my upbringing. Caring about democracy just wasn’t in the top ten list of Things That Make Jen Feel Better.

Funny, since if you took democracy away from me I would be feeling very consternated.

So this year during election week I dug out the King County voter’s pamphlet and read up on all the issues. I found that as a homeowner I was interested in reading up on proposals about property tax increases; as a car owner I read up on road and bridge proposals; as a mother I read up on school levy proposals. Not having thought about these things at all in the last year, my brain was exercised to think about my priorities and how I wanted my tax dollars spent.

The morning after I voted, I found myself leaning against the stove, sipping coffee and watching the local news coverage regarding election results. That afternoon I checked the website for our major newspaper to see updated election results. I found myself invested in the very issues I knew nothing about prior to election day.

In addition to caring about my tax dollars, I found myself thinking about kingdom living. I had to think about what I believed, not just in terms of being a Republican or a Democrat, but also in terms of being a Christ follower. The Gospels tell a story about a Jesus who cared for the widows and orphans; Proverbs teaches the difference between the wise and the foolish; Paul says we should put others before ourselves and seek the good of others; Genesis describes an Earth that God created out of nothing.

The more I think of all the political issues being debated today, the more I’m drawn to scripture as a guide for what my role, as a Christian in culture, should be. One of my favorite passages, Ephesians 4, contrasts the dangers of lazy thinking with the wisdom of Christ’s instruction:

17-19And so I insist-and God backs me up on this-that there be no going along with the crowd, the empty-headed, mindless crowd. They’ve refused for so long to deal with God that they’ve lost touch not only with God but with reality itself. They can’t think straight anymore. Feeling no pain, they let themselves go in sexual obsession, addicted to every sort of perversion.

20-24But that’s no life for you. You learned Christ! My assumption is that you have paid careful attention to him, been well instructed in the truth precisely as we have it in Jesus. Since, then, we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything-and I do mean everything-connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life-a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you.

I was once empty headed and mindless – in regards to politics as well as many other things – going along with the most shiny and persuasive thought presented to me. But now I view my political options through the lens of scripture, my eyes are opening to so many people and things I previously ignored, and I pray that Jesus will continue to deliver me from my own apathy.

I am no political activist, but my recent vote made a tiny dent in the way things turned out – both at the polls and in my priorities – and that’s all I was hoping for.

(Photo by raysto.)

Ever noticed that on Thanksgiving, people are great at being full of thanks, they’re just horrible at giving thanks? I hear radio announcers say, “We have a lot to be thankful for,” or kids say, “I’m thankful for my mommy and my daddy and my Action 3000 Super Fighter Lightning Striker Hero.” They are like containers, brim full of all kinds of thanks, but they don’t direct those thanks towards anyone in particular. People hoard thanks. They don’t give the thanks back to the giver.

From the very first Thanksgiving, the holiday was always about giving, not just storing up thanks and gratitude within ourselves. The Berkley Plantation settlers, who reputedly held the first Thanksgiving, wrote in their charter that the day of their arrival was to be “yearly and perpetually kept holy as a day of Thanksgiving to Almighty God.” Their thanks were always directed towards God, the good giver of blessings and gifts.

One of the reasons we don’t give thanks to God anymore is because our mainstream culture doesn’t promote it. For example, Maryland schools officially ban students from thanking God at Thanksgiving. They can thank mommy, daddy, Santa, or the Tooth
Fairy, but they can’t give credit to the Almighty (click here for the article). Even though it might not be school policy everywhere, this mentality permeates our culture.

Jesus longs to receive our thanks, not just on Thanksgiving, but everyday: “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). We can give him thanks through prayer and in song, in the quiet of our hearts, or in the ruckus of the family dinner table.

This Thanksgiving be full of thanks, but don’t forget to give thanks to God for the great things He has done.

Whom will you thank this year?

“Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man!” (Psalm 107:8)

I started my keynote by asking if anyone was live-blogging. Hands shot up across the room. Someone yelled “Twitter!” The whole thing was recorded on video and audio. So… if nobody needed to be there, why were they?

Many people sited reasons for coming to an event, such as the “hallway conversations,” networking, and the creative inspiration of interacting with others in the room. But mostly, I think people are looking to connect with other human beings in a meaningful way.

Social Networking sites are rising in popularity. These are your sites like Flickr, Facebook, Twitter, Blogger, MySpaces, and many more like them – sites that share information about you with other people for the purpose of connecting.

The Vox Pop Codex blog links to a great video explaining social networks “in plain English.”

Many groups within these social networks schedule periodic “meet-ups” for an opportunity to talk face to face with many of the people they’ve been getting to know online. Flickr groups get together for photo walks, bloggers get together for networking events, and so on.

Over the last two years Bryan and I have had the opportunity to participate in many different social networking groups. These are fun, energetic, creative events in which we have met great people – many have become friends.

“As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world” (John 17:18). As a Believer who lives within culture, Jesus continually puts me in people’s lives – both in person and on the internet – through my social networks. I have a story, everyone I meet has a story, and I have found that many of our stories intertwine and have common themes. Occasionally I get to see Jesus take someone’s story in a new direction, as was the case when a friend in one of my social networks attended the recent baptism service with us at Alki.

Jesus is at work, even within social networking, redeeming people to himself.

What are your social networks, whether online or off?

If you haven’t already noticed, all my books are about a lonely person looking for some way to connect with other people.

In a way, that is the opposite of the American Dream: to get so rich you can rise above the rabble, all those people on the freeway or, worse, the bus. No, the dream is a big house, off alone somewhere. A penthouse, like Howard Hughes. Or a mountaintop castle, like William Randolph Hearst. Some lovely isolated nest where you can invite only the rabble you like. An environment you can control, free from conflict and pain. Where you rule.

Whether it’s a ranch in Montana or basement apartment with ten thousand DVDs and high-speed internet access, it never fails. We get there, and we’re alone. And we’re lonely.

I live in an urban center amidst coffee shops, bars, and public transportation, but occasionally I drive out into a neighborhood deep in the heart of the suburbs, the kind of neighborhood where you take a maddening series of four lefts and three rights just to get to your destination, which is likely a cul-de-sac. I don’t know why I do this. Sometimes I’m picking something up I’ve purchased on Craig’s List. Sometimes I stalk a house that’s for sale, wondering if I might want to move there, where sirens and horn honking and drunken street riots are less frequent.

But about the time I’m taking my sixth turn off the main road I start to feel a tightness in my chest because the isolation from the heartbeat of community makes me claustrophobic. The thought of having to drive everywhere makes me queezy. The thought of never bumping into someone on the street as I walk with my children makes me sad.

This so-called American Dream sounds lonely to me.

Not everyone is called to live like I do, in an urban neighborhood. You may live in a cul-de-sac, you may live alone. That’s not really my point. But as Believers of Jesus we are called to live outside of ourselves, however that may be in our context.

As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world (John 17:18). Jesus didn’t send us to live in the church, or to our kitchen table, or to the couch in front of our television. He sent us to be part of the culture around us.

Normally I am the shy, socially awkward girl who talks too much about herself when she’s nervous. But recently I have experienced an epidemic of extroversion. I don’t know what specifically has made now the time for this to happen, but I am suddenly making conversation with everybody – at the coffee shop, in the locker room at my gym, at the park, in the library (my cafe friend, Peggy, is pictured). It is extremely uncharacteristic of me, but I have been abundantly blessed with new friendships and resources and one-off conversations.

Jesus has given me the power and courage to love people the way he loves them, despite my social hang-ups.

Who are the people you bump into every day? What kind of conversations have you struck up?